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LJ Idol Week 5- Fear is the heart of love.

*******Entered into Evidence Sept. 4, 2004******

You will love me.
Hear my car as it gently rolls past your loving home?

I am sorry about the lateness of the hour.
Shallow cuts across my arm as I think of you.
I weep openly, without shame.
I love you as Sid loved Nancy.
And she loved him too.

You will love me.
Hear me rustle the magnolia tree in your backyard?
It smells so sweet, but never as sweet as you.
Like Dear Leader loves 25 million North Koreans.
And they love him too.

Those nice policemen, have no clue.
I am clever, I am strong, I am motivated.
I will wear you away.
Like the river wears the canyon.
And it loves it back.

You will love me
Certitude of Cancer
And the beauty of wildfire
Finally Big Brother loved Winston Smith
And he loved him back.

Sleep peacefully my beauty
And worry no more
Because I, your prince will be there.
Sooner than you know.
Look this will be a messy entry.. I currently have a primo case of the DTS, which combined with my diabetes issues makes typing with my thumbs impossible.

This is gonna lead to one of those bar-room conversations, no one ever wins. But as long as there are drunks and bars to house them in there will be conversations over the greatest ever.

I used to be a pretty good half court basketball player before my knees turned to scrambled eggs? ever seen a half court basketball league? Hint, They don't exist. But even when my pins were relatively good my chasing. up and down a full court young, and quick people with my 300 plus pounds. Always lead to a layup anyway. So half court, it was.

Anyway I was never meant to be a sports ball hero,but I always dreamed of being a transcendent talent like the great one or His Airness.

My game is acting and I'm alright. One of those jackasses you see at Podunk Community Theater for $12 and you can also get wine in a box. but after about 20 years I finally got decent at it. I mean as far as putzes willing to work for free, and assuming the role won't be hurt too bad by having an ugly man play it I am about as good as it gets.

But those transcendent talents your John Malcovichs your Meryl Streeps both inspire me and make me wonder why I even bother.

I mean but on the stage or on the page. I'm pretty good, but I will never be great. Of course right now, I am holding a Cup of ice water and spelling about a third of it.. So pretty good at this point would be a huge improvement. God this is such a ramble. I am terrified that at some point I'm going to breakdown and just start masturbating.

I guess my point if there is one. Is keep plugging campers. Do it for the art do it for love do it because you think it might get you laid.

Guy named Clayton I shared stage with once. He was past 70 when he did his first role. You know by the time he passed in his 80s he was actually pretty damn good.

So it's definitely not too late to find something you love and go for it. Alright I'm gonna go now see who's gonna win the water bottle or me.

Lj Idol Week 3- Brushback Pitch

You assert your right to the inside corner
Flinch, Spit, Glare baby
All part of the game sunshine
But up above the numbers, baby
Come calling for my cabeza dear love
You know I am coming for you

These head games don't play to your strengths darlin
Me Intimidated by a 5'7 man with a fourth grade education
No matter how many firearms he owns
Are you new here, sweetheart

Gaslighting? Such an accusation
I just told you the sky is red
You know that it is blue
How is it my fault, you believe me

You call me a drunk, a fatass and an egomaniac
Wake me when you pull off an insult this recitation of fact is dull

Dull as someone's wits
Going this, thud, thud
Down a well lit, empty hall

That One Friend

Beneath my roof, find rest
From my table take meat and bread
Hear my lips speak your name fondly or not at all
When I carry your banner, I hold it high, so no trace of the road we walk together stain it

Fond uncle to your children
Cup companion to your devoted husband
But my loyalty is yours alone

My calm heart is at your service
My succor to your fellow friends
To your enemies my sting

In joy still felt I think of you
Even when every word you speak is a lie
My patience so vast its effectively limitless

Still I remember winters of discontent.
And the spring where I was your equal
Instead of just some dog, you needn't even feed

Glutton For Everything

I am ready for another brief but entertaining run (well more realistically waddle) on The Real LJ Idol.
No, I am not here for the four men you lobotomized. I think it is pretty certain they intended to rape you at a minimum.

I am not a policeman, but I am a representative of the Government. No, please don't.

I am very sorry,it is a mild seizure state, stay calm, you aren't going to swallow your tongue or anything. I am going to pull you out, but you have to promise not to try anything with my mind. Nod for yes, wait was that a nod or a spasm....I am going to guess a nod.


Forgive me, I don't mind being surface scanned, but you wild talents tend to be butchers, not surgeons and I do enjoy my bowel and bladder control. How about if I tell you what is going on er...verbally?

So, your trick the other night attracted some attention, probably not just my organizati.....

It is really to your benefit to stop trying that, it is one thing to overpower a quartet of low intellect, low willpower mundanes, but I have been trained, augmented by drugs and otherwise prepared for mind to mind combat since I was a grade schooler.

To be sure, I liked it better when we knew more about our abilities than they did, for instance. I could have told them that letting someone as powerful as Julissa Ortegon live in Virginia, so close to D.C basically made her the de facto President of the United States, but I would rather tempt their wrath than hers. They eventually brought her to heel, but there was a pretty sizable earthquake in a place that doesn't get earthquakes and blackouts for 3 states.

....That's nasty business showing a man his own death. I knew you were a precog, but I didn't know you could broadcast. Still I know I have pancreatic cancer and what my end would probably look like. Still I have something that should surprise you....

.... You have been tased and given something part sedative and part hallucinogen, we find it very effective on keeping wild talents too distracted to use their powers, it's all very Harrison Bergeron. For the record, no I don't care what happens to the Organization when I am gone, but I want the wife and kids to have a nice fat pension.

Sorry to do this to you, kid. I hope you make it through.

Let's Go to the Mall

As a grown man, I have little affection for malls at least not actual thriving malls.  There is a nice, upscale 160 store one near where I live, Macy's, Dillards, Abercrombie an Apple store.  Nice, you can eat at P.F Changs or Cheesecake Factory, if you like blowing a couple days pay on average chain restaurant food.  I seldom shop there,  Politically, I am not a Wal-Mart guy, but budgetary concerns...well yeah...I can't be the only one.  Anyway, Baybrook mall is for Friendswood guys and gals and Clear Lake folken, and I am a son of the East Side.

EASSIDE!!!!!  (makes incomprehensible gang hand gesture which looks infinitely pathetic on an aging white man).

No, my teen years were spent to some degree in the loving embrace of malls that are now on life support.  No bookstores anymore (KICKS and SCARFACE T-SHIRTS), certainly no sit down restaurants (LIDS AND SCARFACE T-SHIRTS).  Baybrook isn't going anywhere, in fact they just had an expansion....probably gonna put in a Hermes tie shop or a Mint Juliep bar, whatever rich people do, I wouldn't know.  But it is sad to know that Pasadena Town Square and San Jacinto Mall are probably going the way of the dodo.

You wouldn't know it today but these now sad little pathways around closed shops, shoe stores (AND SCARFACE T-SHIRT SHOPS) once teemed with hormonal, teenage life (instead of a few slower kids who don't realize Scarface came out in 1983).

San Jacinto Mall and Pasadena Town Square were about equidistant from where I lived and each was full of WONDER.  Pasadena Town Square might have been slightly closer.  It was a little edgier as it had younger skewing clothes stores (Chess King anyone), that part didn't matter to me, as a fat kid in the 80's I wore shapeless jeans and Hawaiian shirts AND I LIKED IT.  It also had Spensers which is a store that offers mildly ribald, shirts, posters, games and other things that scream "naughty" to a 14 year old.  The girls who toured the mall at Pasadena Town Square wore a little more makeup than the Baytown variety, my group of 4,(ABSOLUTELY NOT VIRGINS) friends certainly enjoyed that, but they weren't our main occupation, no that would be Gauntlet (WIZARD NEEDS FOOD, BADLY),  (VALKERIE IS PROBABLY EASY).  When I think of the 4 of us playing 30 dollars worth of Gauntlet I am overwhelmed with nostalgia.

San Jacinto Mall in Baytown was another must attend teen destination.  It was a little "softer" because it had a carousel and other little rides suitable for the under 10 set.  The girls wore less make up, but the t-shirts were just as tight.  San Jac had the advantage of a larger variety of video games, a sit down restaurant (Casa Ole- Fresh Today) and Corn Dog 7 in the food court (infinitely better than Corn Dog 1-6 I tells ya).  Best of all they had a movie theater.  Now, we always claimed to go to the movies when we went there...but in instances where your parents dropped you off an alleged movie screening could buy you an extra 2 hours to "cruise" the mall.

However, my greatest mall memory was when I did make use of the movie theater, during Woody Allen's "Radio Days"  my very first girlfriend, got tired of my inching across her shoulders and placed my hand on HER ACTUAL BREAST.  This is going to be enough to put San Jac in the winners circle.

I have been to Vegas and Tahoe, I have spent some Friday nights at some very adult parties.  I have a wife and a not too bad romantic history.  But darned if sometimes, just sometimes, I do miss putting on my Vans, too much Polo cologne and going to the mall with no intention of buying anything, except video game tokens and corn dogs and just roaming around like a raw hormone in the raw hormone's natural habitat.  Mall sweet mall.

Bad Movie I Love Review-  The Cutting Edge (1992)

Reasons not to like this movie-

It's a standard issue PG romcom and I own a penis.

It's directed by frigging Starsky (no seriously, Starsky, they couldn't get Huggy Bear?)  Starsky in real life is one of the most renowned and revered AIDS activists on the planet, he also directed Kazaam, things even out.

It is based on the idea that a hockey player could show something in a hockey game that would put him on the radar of someone looking for a pairs skater.

The main point of the plot is the striving of the Kate and Doug pair to win pair skating olympic gold, and this movie can't be bothered to tell you if they did or not.

Reasons I love this movie, really there is only one.  I am in love with Kate Mosley.  This is not to be confused with being in love with Moira Kelly, I do think Moira is incredibly beautiful and quite talented (and certainly she has made far sexier movies than this).  Kate Mosley is a bit of a brat, but she is an absolutely adorable brat.  The 22 year old version of myself wanted to spank her (consentually of course.)  I wanted to shield poor Kate from her domineering stage father, John Locke...er.....Jack.  D.B Sweeny was a little too conventionally handsome and athletic for my mind to make him into a good Fully surrogate, so I just sort of mentally edited him out of the movie.....all six times I saw it.  Twice in the theater, 4 times on cable.  Only once with a box of Kleenex extra soft and a pint of Yukon Jack.

So when Kate was playing Hockey and flirting with D. Weenie....she was really flirting with me, the saucy little minx.  She knew what she liked....oh yes she did. Toe Pick

When the audience learns that her past skating failures were her own and not that of her partner, I forgave her, who wouldn't forgive those doe eyes (STOP THINKING ABOUT HER, SHE'S MIIIIIIIIIIIIINE).

When she insists on trying the dangerous move that would elevate her from no chance at the podium to having a real shot at gold.  I wanted to protect her from herself but her love for D.Weenie me and her ambition to finish what once was just her fathers dream but was now our dream, together.  And when we landed the move and the cheering of the crowd was at it's greatest and the roses fell, I could care less if we won, care less about anything but her.  (and a damn good thing too cause the movie certainly wasn't telling).


They never gave “H” a welcome home party, but it is back.  Had to be with all of the suburban kids reaching into mommy’s medicine cabinet to get barred out on Xanax and, more lethally, high on Oxy.  First you pop a couple, then a handful, then a heaping handful.  Then you grind and snort, then you shoot and those little pills cost 5 bucks a piece when mommy’s supply runs out.  Even suburban kids eventually need something cheaper.  The romantics say cocaine is a mysterious lady, well horse is a really flexible young guy with a prostate destroying cock, it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but if that is something you’re into he will get you off like nothing else.

I don’t sell horse, since I moved into middle management but now I am stuck providing it for free to Jacob’s silly little cunt.  He doesn’t want her turning tricks. I think it would be simple economics for her to use her best asset as leverage to get what she needs. Maybe she is doing it anyway, more power to her.  Jacob is my boy and all, but it is a real drag having to keep a schedule 1 drug around to keep his girlfriend from blowing the neighborhood.  It is tempting to mess with the purity and see if I can accidentally, on purpose, bring this to an end, the way all three of us know it is going to end anyway, but no, we have to play out the string.

After I set her up, I tell her she needs to get thee to a nunnery, or at least a methadone clinic, she pays me about as much mind as usual then goes on the nod.  Earth to Orson, come in Orson.  She is back and she needs a ride, of course.  I have a nice ride, it isn’t a Ferrari or anything, but the Beemer befits my wealth and station.  The junkie in the passenger’s side isn’t a bad accessory I must confess.  The fact she doesn’t have to do anything really bad to feed the monkey (except for the once) have enabled her to keep her, admittedly amazing, looks.  I press some money into the kids hand and tell her to eat something and not worry about her next fix.

As I am letting her out, some kind of Yosemite Sam motherfucker, short, facial hair, waving a gun comes walking up.  Jacob would have shit his pants by now, but not Copperfield, not he who makes problems disappear. I am already moving.  I don’t even hear what he is shouting “THUNDERATION!” probably, or quoting Robert E. Lee, or giving the Texas Tech score, I don’t give a shit.  Too much adrenaline, I guess, cause I break his arm, disarming him.  I could put the knife in his throat, but then I would never know who he is or who he works for.

I am just starting to think of what to do next when Lisa says to Foghorn, “Daddy”…I turn around, I will let Jacob deal with this one.

Trust Everyone, But Cut the Cards


Three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

I haven’t done the bad thing in 8 years.

No, give or take a derelict or three you have been a remarkable bastion of self-control.
8 long years and you have been her dog for 5, how is that going for you?

There is no reason to think she did anything wrong.

You didn’t stay alive, in this lifestyle, this long by not trusting your gut.  What does your gut say, Jacob.

I am not going to do anything except believe her, she is good for me.

Sure, Jacob my boy, you trust her- say no more.  But just as a matter of curiosity.
You know how to get away with it; you know….if you had to.

Difficult, she is connected to me, no paperwork but people know us as a couple.

Right,  you would automatically be a suspect, unless you had a foolproof alibi or something.
I could help with that, of course.

What are you grinning about?

You are like a dormant volcano, it’s just fun to be close to a force of nature like that.

You are an asshole.

Guilty, give me a penny or nickel or something.


It’s bad luck to give a man a knife, but I can sell you one.

 It’s real nice.

 Only the best, Jacob.

 Just cause I have a knife doesn’t mean I have to do anything bad with it. 

No, course not.  But it’s good to have, isn’t it? 

She can keep a secret.  I know she can. 

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.  Godspeed, hotshot.  Call me later.

 It’s pretty but it’s cold.

 But you know how to make cold things warm doncha.  Non est potentia in sanguinem. 

I know.  I am gonna go get some sleep. 

You do that champ.  Rest well.



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