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Week 10- Trolley Problems

Hi, boys and girls. No, don't be frightened, I am a ghost, but a friendly one like Casper. In life I was Fred McFeely Rogers and I had a television show. But you already know this because it aired for 700 years and every fucking person on the planet watched it at one time or another.

I am sorry for the bad language, but I am here visiting from a wonderful place and I would rather go back there than be in this rank shithole. See, I feel like I was in some small way responsible for raising you cowardly dipshits, and apparently King Friday and Mr. McFeely and I did a shitty job.

Remember when we talked about we shouldn't be scared or angry all the time. Well now you are nothing but scared and angry. Watching that ridiculous "News" channel that just makes everything worse. Are you fucking kidding me, you elected Donald Trump. I knew Little Donnie Trump, he is an assclown. Can you say Ass Clown? Sure you can.

You still haven't gotten over your visceral dislike for women in positions of power have you. Guess what boys and girls, most of the rest of the fucking world mostly got over that years ago.

I am not angry with you, this isn't my angry face, this is my dissapointed face. Now lets all try to do better, because if I have to come back I am going to break shit.

Week 8- No comment

I hurt a guy once.

Little guy about 30 years my senior. Hurt him pretty bad. You don't need to know how bad, I never did time and don't want to, I am too pretty to do well in prison.

I love lots of you, but I don't trust but a few of you...Atlanta maybe, Minnesota....wherever Halfshell is from, couple more.

So this man crawled in a window, threw his jacket over a lightbulb and in a tequila fueled 30 minutes of evil raped a woman just north of 60.

His mistake (again you don't need the names) was the woman recognized hism, a high school acquaintance, so many years ago.
Home visiting his aged father.

He drove a nice sports car, presumably he could have paid for sex, but rape isn't just about that.

I am a mostly pacifist liberal weenie who is afraid of firearms. I went through a phase where the two biggest kids on the block would meet behind the Ben Franklin, just to see what happened, but by then I had long gotten over it.

But when I got the news, I sat. A dentist who was a family friend fixed her mouth. And I sat there 4 hours head in my hands in the place between drunk and sober.

The fuckwits father was a nice man, fed the scrounger cats in the neighborhood and mine if they happened to be around, and they made a point of being around for food.

Old man had gone to Po Folks restaurant...sports car was still at home, probably liked his food with flavor.

I lieu of knocking on the door I put a brick through his front windshield.

I am mostly a gentle man (not to be confused with a gentleman). There are wild exceptions and this was the wildest.

So wild that putting the brick down when he ran out to see about his car was one of the harder things I have done.

I had a roll of quarters in the other hand.

I took my time, this was before the booze had shot my stamina. There should have been sirens but there weren't. Not in East Houston, not during the hours where the good people were at work. Not then, probably not now either.

No sirens but plenty of blood, some piss and shit too.

Never told this story sober before.

It is a weird thing to look back on what we were once capable of.

Sports car lived, if you were worried, but he eventually found his way back to the Pacific Northwest...he never visited his dad in Houston anymore. I am sorry for the old man I guess. I am still not a good enough man to regret that 20 minutes. In a front yard, while you good people worked, kids went to math class, and a misting rain fell.

Beading up on his face, with all the blood, so much blood, and the poor soul couldn't lift his arms to wipe it away.

The scrounger cats sometimes brought the old man or me a mouse, or a baby bird. Sports car looked like that....just like that.

LJ Idol Week 6- Heel Turn

I am nothing special
My intellect is inflexible
It just drones on
Narrow but intense

I don't drive a car
Didn't date til I was 30
Wear the same clothes every day
Cloned white shirts and khakis
Italian shoes the splurge

I married my assistant
To keep rumors and talk down
I like men and women
But don't like to share my thoughts

I knew I shouldn't take the money
Knew they'd build a super weapon
To make everything before it
Look like mercy in the end

But the work was my obsession
And obsessions need for funding
In that I am no different
From the junkie on the street

I knew that they would make me
Into the shadow dancer
The reaper sans the sickle
Satan without the horns

I fellate the pistol
I know that I need only
Pull the trigger in defiance
And save the sunset yet

In the end I couldn't do it
So I took their millions
Given the choice of prisons
I'll take the guilded cage

If any live they'll hate me
But not likely with the passion
That I hate myself
Today and everyday

LJ Idol Week 5- Fear is the heart of love.

*******Entered into Evidence Sept. 4, 2004******

You will love me.
Hear my car as it gently rolls past your loving home?

I am sorry about the lateness of the hour.
Shallow cuts across my arm as I think of you.
I weep openly, without shame.
I love you as Sid loved Nancy.
And she loved him too.

You will love me.
Hear me rustle the magnolia tree in your backyard?
It smells so sweet, but never as sweet as you.
Like Dear Leader loves 25 million North Koreans.
And they love him too.

Those nice policemen, have no clue.
I am clever, I am strong, I am motivated.
I will wear you away.
Like the river wears the canyon.
And it loves it back.

You will love me
Certitude of Cancer
And the beauty of wildfire
Finally Big Brother loved Winston Smith
And he loved him back.

Sleep peacefully my beauty
And worry no more
Because I, your prince will be there.
Sooner than you know.
Look this will be a messy entry.. I currently have a primo case of the DTS, which combined with my diabetes issues makes typing with my thumbs impossible.

This is gonna lead to one of those bar-room conversations, no one ever wins. But as long as there are drunks and bars to house them in there will be conversations over the greatest ever.

I used to be a pretty good half court basketball player before my knees turned to scrambled eggs? ever seen a half court basketball league? Hint, They don't exist. But even when my pins were relatively good my chasing. up and down a full court young, and quick people with my 300 plus pounds. Always lead to a layup anyway. So half court, it was.

Anyway I was never meant to be a sports ball hero,but I always dreamed of being a transcendent talent like the great one or His Airness.

My game is acting and I'm alright. One of those jackasses you see at Podunk Community Theater for $12 and you can also get wine in a box. but after about 20 years I finally got decent at it. I mean as far as putzes willing to work for free, and assuming the role won't be hurt too bad by having an ugly man play it I am about as good as it gets.

But those transcendent talents your John Malcovichs your Meryl Streeps both inspire me and make me wonder why I even bother.

I mean but on the stage or on the page. I'm pretty good, but I will never be great. Of course right now, I am holding a Cup of ice water and spelling about a third of it.. So pretty good at this point would be a huge improvement. God this is such a ramble. I am terrified that at some point I'm going to breakdown and just start masturbating.

I guess my point if there is one. Is keep plugging campers. Do it for the art do it for love do it because you think it might get you laid.

Guy named Clayton I shared stage with once. He was past 70 when he did his first role. You know by the time he passed in his 80s he was actually pretty damn good.

So it's definitely not too late to find something you love and go for it. Alright I'm gonna go now see who's gonna win the water bottle or me.

Lj Idol Week 3- Brushback Pitch

You assert your right to the inside corner
Flinch, Spit, Glare baby
All part of the game sunshine
But up above the numbers, baby
Come calling for my cabeza dear love
You know I am coming for you

These head games don't play to your strengths darlin
Me Intimidated by a 5'7 man with a fourth grade education
No matter how many firearms he owns
Are you new here, sweetheart

Gaslighting? Such an accusation
I just told you the sky is red
You know that it is blue
How is it my fault, you believe me

You call me a drunk, a fatass and an egomaniac
Wake me when you pull off an insult this recitation of fact is dull

Dull as someone's wits
Going this, thud, thud
Down a well lit, empty hall

That One Friend

Beneath my roof, find rest
From my table take meat and bread
Hear my lips speak your name fondly or not at all
When I carry your banner, I hold it high, so no trace of the road we walk together stain it

Fond uncle to your children
Cup companion to your devoted husband
But my loyalty is yours alone

My calm heart is at your service
My succor to your fellow friends
To your enemies my sting

In joy still felt I think of you
Even when every word you speak is a lie
My patience so vast its effectively limitless

Still I remember winters of discontent.
And the spring where I was your equal
Instead of just some dog, you needn't even feed

Glutton For Everything

I am ready for another brief but entertaining run (well more realistically waddle) on The Real LJ Idol.
No, I am not here for the four men you lobotomized. I think it is pretty certain they intended to rape you at a minimum.

I am not a policeman, but I am a representative of the Government. No, please don't.

I am very sorry,it is a mild seizure state, stay calm, you aren't going to swallow your tongue or anything. I am going to pull you out, but you have to promise not to try anything with my mind. Nod for yes, wait was that a nod or a spasm....I am going to guess a nod.


Forgive me, I don't mind being surface scanned, but you wild talents tend to be butchers, not surgeons and I do enjoy my bowel and bladder control. How about if I tell you what is going on er...verbally?

So, your trick the other night attracted some attention, probably not just my organizati.....

It is really to your benefit to stop trying that, it is one thing to overpower a quartet of low intellect, low willpower mundanes, but I have been trained, augmented by drugs and otherwise prepared for mind to mind combat since I was a grade schooler.

To be sure, I liked it better when we knew more about our abilities than they did, for instance. I could have told them that letting someone as powerful as Julissa Ortegon live in Virginia, so close to D.C basically made her the de facto President of the United States, but I would rather tempt their wrath than hers. They eventually brought her to heel, but there was a pretty sizable earthquake in a place that doesn't get earthquakes and blackouts for 3 states.

....That's nasty business showing a man his own death. I knew you were a precog, but I didn't know you could broadcast. Still I know I have pancreatic cancer and what my end would probably look like. Still I have something that should surprise you....

.... You have been tased and given something part sedative and part hallucinogen, we find it very effective on keeping wild talents too distracted to use their powers, it's all very Harrison Bergeron. For the record, no I don't care what happens to the Organization when I am gone, but I want the wife and kids to have a nice fat pension.

Sorry to do this to you, kid. I hope you make it through.

Let's Go to the Mall

As a grown man, I have little affection for malls at least not actual thriving malls.  There is a nice, upscale 160 store one near where I live, Macy's, Dillards, Abercrombie an Apple store.  Nice, you can eat at P.F Changs or Cheesecake Factory, if you like blowing a couple days pay on average chain restaurant food.  I seldom shop there,  Politically, I am not a Wal-Mart guy, but budgetary concerns...well yeah...I can't be the only one.  Anyway, Baybrook mall is for Friendswood guys and gals and Clear Lake folken, and I am a son of the East Side.

EASSIDE!!!!!  (makes incomprehensible gang hand gesture which looks infinitely pathetic on an aging white man).

No, my teen years were spent to some degree in the loving embrace of malls that are now on life support.  No bookstores anymore (KICKS and SCARFACE T-SHIRTS), certainly no sit down restaurants (LIDS AND SCARFACE T-SHIRTS).  Baybrook isn't going anywhere, in fact they just had an expansion....probably gonna put in a Hermes tie shop or a Mint Juliep bar, whatever rich people do, I wouldn't know.  But it is sad to know that Pasadena Town Square and San Jacinto Mall are probably going the way of the dodo.

You wouldn't know it today but these now sad little pathways around closed shops, shoe stores (AND SCARFACE T-SHIRT SHOPS) once teemed with hormonal, teenage life (instead of a few slower kids who don't realize Scarface came out in 1983).

San Jacinto Mall and Pasadena Town Square were about equidistant from where I lived and each was full of WONDER.  Pasadena Town Square might have been slightly closer.  It was a little edgier as it had younger skewing clothes stores (Chess King anyone), that part didn't matter to me, as a fat kid in the 80's I wore shapeless jeans and Hawaiian shirts AND I LIKED IT.  It also had Spensers which is a store that offers mildly ribald, shirts, posters, games and other things that scream "naughty" to a 14 year old.  The girls who toured the mall at Pasadena Town Square wore a little more makeup than the Baytown variety, my group of 4,(ABSOLUTELY NOT VIRGINS) friends certainly enjoyed that, but they weren't our main occupation, no that would be Gauntlet (WIZARD NEEDS FOOD, BADLY),  (VALKERIE IS PROBABLY EASY).  When I think of the 4 of us playing 30 dollars worth of Gauntlet I am overwhelmed with nostalgia.

San Jacinto Mall in Baytown was another must attend teen destination.  It was a little "softer" because it had a carousel and other little rides suitable for the under 10 set.  The girls wore less make up, but the t-shirts were just as tight.  San Jac had the advantage of a larger variety of video games, a sit down restaurant (Casa Ole- Fresh Today) and Corn Dog 7 in the food court (infinitely better than Corn Dog 1-6 I tells ya).  Best of all they had a movie theater.  Now, we always claimed to go to the movies when we went there...but in instances where your parents dropped you off an alleged movie screening could buy you an extra 2 hours to "cruise" the mall.

However, my greatest mall memory was when I did make use of the movie theater, during Woody Allen's "Radio Days"  my very first girlfriend, got tired of my inching across her shoulders and placed my hand on HER ACTUAL BREAST.  This is going to be enough to put San Jac in the winners circle.

I have been to Vegas and Tahoe, I have spent some Friday nights at some very adult parties.  I have a wife and a not too bad romantic history.  But darned if sometimes, just sometimes, I do miss putting on my Vans, too much Polo cologne and going to the mall with no intention of buying anything, except video game tokens and corn dogs and just roaming around like a raw hormone in the raw hormone's natural habitat.  Mall sweet mall.



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